Schneewittchen
by Nightborn Dreamer
Summary: In a fit of envy, Itachi tries to have Sasuke killed. Only he escapes into the woods to meet seven annoying kids, and has the dumbest prince the world has yet to see chasing after him while he plots sweet revenge.


**Schneewittchen  
**_aka Snow White_

**Summary: **In a fit of envy, Itachi tries to have Sasuke killed. Only he escapes into the woods to meet seven annoying kids, and has the dumbest prince the world has yet to see chasing after him while he plots sweet revenge.

**Pairing: **NaruSasu

**Warnings: **Sort of a Parody, if that's what you'd call it, or just crack with a morbid ending; a mix of funny and disturbing, basically. Oh, and a very out of character Itachi...actually they're all pretty out of character as this...is not meant to be taken seriously lol.

**Author's Note: **(Re-posting this) This is a NaruSasu Snow White retelling. It was supposed to be fully humorous but ended up taking a slightly dark turn. I'm very well aware that there is a Snow White NS doujinshi and let me tell you now that they are not the same nor was this inspired by it. The fairy tale Schneewittchen originated from Germany where the Grimm Brother's picked it up and mine focuses a tad bit more on the original version than Disney's. :3 Anyway, enjoy the insanity.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto; not the characters or the fandom.

**~*NS*~**

Once upon a time there was a boy with skin as white as snow and hair (and eyes, strangely enough) black as ebony. Sasuke Uchiha was the envy of all the boys…and girls. Oh yes, he had turned quite a few boys to the 'dark side' that is forbidden passion between two males. However, it mattered not to him. He waved each one of them away without even giving them a glance.

However there was one boy, one stupid little spoiled prince brat, who was different.

When the king of the neighboring land, Minato Namikaze, brought his son Naruto to the castle, Sasuke had immediately expected the blond to fawn over him just like everyone else. Only that didn't happen. In fact, the opposite happened. The boy called him a girl and punched him in the face when Sasuke retorted with an insult. It was a huge shock for Sasuke. No one had ever hit him before, especially not on the face. Needless to say, it all went downhill from there. Sasuke tackled the other boy and they wrestled on the floor. Screams of the onlookers echoed throughout the room as they threatened Naruto's life for bruising their young prince's _perfect_ face.

The boys were sent to sulk in separate corners with their matching black eyes.

That was when the obsession began.

From that point on they formed a disturbing friendship forged through yelling insults and exchanging blows. People always referred to Sasuke as 'Snow White' due to his pale skin, but after Naruto colored it with bruises he would make jokes, calling him 'Purple Murple' instead. Needless to say, Naruto from Fire Country was not very well liked from those of Sasuke's land.

One would assume that since they kept fighting the boys hated each other, but the opposite seemed to be true. Despite the violence, in the end they always made time for each other. And after beating the living crap out of each other, they would lay on their backs and exchange summaries of what they'd been up to. It was actually rather nice.

However, throughout the years their strange relationship began to change. Sasuke found Naruto just staring at him when he should be hitting or insulting him. He would call Sasuke beautiful, but not in a way to mock him or make him feel less like a boy and more like a girl. Quite frankly, it was confusing the hell out of Sasuke. The beautiful prince found himself so dumbfounded that he was at a loss for insults himself and just ended up staring right back.

He cursed Naruto then, for making him feel like he really was a girl and embarrassing him like that.

The punch-outs began to lessen and only happened when the two were in a spat. But even then, Naruto would start to just throw his hands in the air and stomp off when Sasuke irritated him. It was starting to make the young prince worried. Was Naruto growing tired of him? They had met when they were twelve and they had been fighting for four years. Maybe Naruto found someone else he'd rather spend his time with. Maybe he didn't want to spend time with a guy who did nothing but insult and hit him. Sasuke surprised himself by feeling jealous of this make-believe person and it just made his hands itch to hit someone.

"It seems there's someone who _can_ reject you," came the sly remark of his older brother Itachi one evening. "Amazing, isn't it? And here I thought no one was immune to your charm. After all, you've seduced away all of my suitors."

Ah, Itachi. Sasuke could scarcely believe he once looked up to the man. He had grown to be beautiful and in almost everyone's opinion, more so than his brother. It was because of this that Itachi gained insecurity issues. Really, the most annoying part of it was that he'd hog Sasuke's bathroom time. They lived in a palace with twenty bathrooms yet he just had to use Sasuke's. Sure, Sasuke could man up and use one of the other nineteen, but he didn't want to. It was, after all, _his_ bathroom. It was the principle of the matter and so he kept waiting hours for Itachi to get done grooming himself and unlock the damn door.

Needless to say, Sasuke was growing sick and tired of his brother's insecurities.

And yet a part of him, the small part that still saw Itachi as his amazing big brother, felt the insane urge to comfort him. Despite their brotherly banter, he loved him dearly…enough. He knew that Itachi's biting remarks were due to his own insecurities and not hate for him.

"Brother, you look fine. Hot even. There are still some girls who-"

"It's not the same!" Itachi exclaimed, pointing to his face. "Just look at these bags! I look like I'm either in desperate need of sleep or sex from being so stressed! I look ten times my age! And this!" he pointed to the corner of his eyes. "I'm twenty two and getting _crow's feet_ already!"

And with that, Itachi ran to the vanity mirror in Sasuke's room, poking around his eyes.

Sighing, Sasuke repeated, "You look fine."

"My skin looks awful. Not at all like your porcelain..." Itachi went on murmuring about how much better Sasuke's skin was than his, before moving onto his hair. "Geez, there's already some grays in there! Why can't I have your blue hue? I look like an aging old man!"

"Maybe if you cut off that damn hippie tail," Sasuke murmured, referring to his brother's long hair full of split ends. For someone who groomed himself for so long, he sure did miss a lot.

"Do you know how long it took me to grow this out?" Itachi shrieked. "Oh mirror, mirror on the wall, why do you show me such inferior features!"

Sasuke had always thought it strange the way his brother blubbered to vanity mirrors as if talking to another person. However he knew better than to question his brother's sanity. So he didn't even bat an eyelash when his brother gazed deeply into his mirror. He was lonely.

At least the bathroom was free.

**~*NS*~**

Dealing with Itachi was troublesome, so his guard would say, but nothing could be done. Their parents had died and Itachi was king. As the youngest, the only way Sasuke could gain power was if his older brother died. Sasuke didn't care enough to do _that_.

Itachi, however…

Naruto was visiting again, only this time he was old enough to do it on his own and even if he wasn't, he didn't have much choice anymore. He heard his mother had taken ill and died, his father following shortly behind to join her. It explained why it had been some months since he'd seen Naruto and it dawned on him that Naruto was king now, as well. The realization that he would be looking for a spouse soon hit him hard enough to knock the breath out of him. This may very well be the last time Naruto visited their castle. He didn't like the idea but decided to put his feelings aside. He refused to become as pathetic as his brother.

While trying to ignore the gaze Naruto was sending him, Sasuke looked down at his plate of food. There was some mushy stuff on it that he'd never seen before.

"What is this?" he asked, poking at it.

"Something new to try," was all Itachi said.

Shrugging, Sasuke gathered a spoonful and was amazed at how easily the cool stuff slid down his throat. He took a few more spoon full's before pausing, frowning as his vision began to slowly blur.

"Wha-what…" he started to say but then forgot what he was going to.

Not feeling at all right, he stood up from the table and gripped the back of his chair.

"Sasuke? Are you okay?" Naruto asked in a mixture of worry and confusion. "What's wrong?"

Sasuke heard Naruto get up from his chair as well and realized he was starting to breathe heavily. It wasn't long afterwards that his legs felt like they were turning to…to…something wobbly…he wasn't sure, he couldn't think straight anymore.

Not long after, Sasuke fainted. And oh he didn't just faint, he fainted like a drama queen. He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead before falling back, letting out a soft, "ooh".

"Wow!" Naruto rushed forward and caught Sasuke in his arms. It was a strange feeling, to be held by the blond prince who he suddenly found to be rather dashing. He had a messy head of blond hair sure, but his skin was bronze and modestly muscular – not overly so where he needed a bra of his own. Why was he noticing this now of all times?

"What the heck did you feed him?!"

"Oh, would you look at that," Itachi began as he took a bit of the mush. "Apple sauce."

"Apple – you know Sasuke's allergic to apples! They make him faint and feverish!"

"I swear I had no idea." Yet the way Itachi said it made Sasuke think otherwise. "Why do you care so much what happens to him anyway? Don't you two hate each other?"

_Yes, why do you care, Naruto? _

"Never mind that! Get him something! Don't just stand there you idiots, get him some tomatoes!"

The next few minutes were full of the servants scrambling about, bringing Naruto a bowl of fresh tomatoes. Naruto, the fool, was in such a frantic state that he actually tried to stuff a whole one down Sasuke's throat.

Sasuke changed his mind. Naruto was an idiot and that was it.

His jaw was sore from being stretched so wide by the plump tomato by the time the servants began pulling Naruto's crazy ass away from him. Sasuke was lying on the floor and they lifted his head and poured some tomato juice down his burning throat.

Sasuke sighed in relief as the tomato juice worked its magic. Truly it was a magical fruit…or vegetable, whatever the hell it was. Either way, it was magical. The dizziness faded and he was face to face with Naruto's big blue eyes. Were they always that blue? Naruto was leaning in closer and Sasuke became very aware of how close their lips were. He could feel Naruto's breath on his mouth and…

"Your breath reeks."

Naruto snorted, but there was relief in his eyes.

"Good to see almost being poisoned didn't kill the romantic in you."

"Romantic?" Sasuke wrinkled his nose. He was not that kind of prince. Why would Naruto say something like that any – oh! A faint pink colored Sasuke's cheeks as he took notice to how Naruto was staring at him. It made him want to shift.

Both of them were so wrapped up in each other, they didn't notice Itachi's jealous eyes.

**~*NS*~**

"You must be so happy," Itachi said from the door frame.

Sasuke looked up from the book he was reading. "What? Need to use my bathroom? Or perhaps you wish to talk to my mirror again?"

"What's the point? The mirror wouldn't want my reflection anyway, not when it has _yours_."

Frowning, Sasuke went back to his book. "You make no sense. I highly suggest you seek therapy."

"Even Naruto, the _one_ person who was able to ignore all of your blessings and punch you in the face, seems to have fallen for you. I'm curious as to how you seduced him."

Sasuke's head snapped back up. "I didn't do anything. You're paranoia is getting ridiculous. Seriously, seek professional help." Normally Sasuke wouldn't take such a biting tone, but his own paranoia that his brother knew what he had eaten was apple sauce left a nasty taste in his mouth.

"You took my future husband," Itachi accused.

Sasuke blinked at that.

"What? What future husband? What are you, a woman?"

"Naruto was supposed to marry me. Why do you think Minato brought him here and kept trying to make us sit together? But then you lured him away and seduced him like a whore. At first I didn't mind that he was giving you more attention, so long as he kept bruising that pretty face of yours, but now he's infatuated! Now he wants to take you back to his country to marry instead of me! I'll never be good enough when placed next to you, will I?!"

Sasuke ignored his brother's ravings. Hearing that Naruto of all people wanted to whisk him away to another country to live and marry….well, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little pleased. Finally a ticket out of this insane asylum. Having a brother who envied you and talked to mirrors could only be amusing for so long. It especially ended when they tried to kill you via apple sauce. And he couldn't deny that he was pleased with the idea that Naruto wasn't interested in anyone else.

"He wants to take me back to Fire Country? When?" He supposed he shouldn't be too surprised. After all, the Fire Country wanted to make a stronger connection to their country. They already signed a peace treaty but seemed to be seeking a little more insurance to seal the deal. A bubble of some unpleasant feeling arose in Sasuke's gut at the idea of Minato trying to set Naruto up with Itachi – seriously? Itachi was four years older – but it was soothed when he thought that Naruto chose Sasuke in the end. Everyone did. But Naruto was the only one that mattered. And he knew Sasuke deeper than the rest of them, knew him on a level that wasn't superficial. Yes, he was very pleased with this turn out indeed.

"Tonight," Itachi all but growled.

"Well, I suppose I better start packing," Sasuke smirked. "Oh, and Itachi? You can keep the mirror. I wouldn't dare separate you."

**~*NS*~**

Itachi watched Sasuke get into the carriage with Naruto and leave the castle. Once they were out of sight, he collapsed in front of the vanity mirror.

"Oh mirror, mirror, what must I do to be fairer?" He looked up at his reflection. He truly did look much older than what he was. Sasuke though…he looked so youthful. Why shouldn't he? Hadn't Itachi been forced to grow up faster than Sasuke? Their parents died and Itachi had to become the adult while Sasuke ran around with Naruto and stole him away. But Sasuke had stolen something far more precious.

He had stolen Itachi's youth.

And now Sasuke was off to have a happily ever after while Itachi was left to wither away.

No way was he going to let that happen.

"If Sasuke were to die, I would be the fairest one of all," Itachi said to his reflection. Eyes wide and wild, he nodded to himself. He smiled widely, looking just as insane as he was.

"Guards!"

**~*NS*~**

"Are you surprised?" Naruto asked with a grin, sitting next to Sasuke. He kept a careful distance between them all until the doors shut, then he slid over until their sides pressed.

"I knew you'd fall for me eventually," Sasuke smirked, his words laced in arrogance.

"Tch, asshole."

No more words were spoken when they locked gazes. Naruto's eyes darted down to Sasuke's lips before licking his own. Sasuke got the feeling that the blond had been waiting far too long and idly wondered how long he himself had waited. He never allowed himself to delve too much into what he felt for Naruto, not wanting to lose himself or set himself up for disappointment. But now…

"You have no idea how long I've waited to have you," Naruto whispered as he moved an inch closer. "After watching my parents die…I realized I really didn't want to wait any longer, didn't want to give someone else the chance to take you."

"Hn. So you have me now. What are you going to do with me?"

Before Naruto could answer that, the carriage suddenly spun out of control. Naruto reached out and grasped Sasuke, steadying him while Sasuke did the same for him with one hand, the other pressed against the wood of the door.

"What the hell?" Naruto shouted just before an arrow was shot at the side of their carriage.

The horses were crying out as the carriage fell to the side. Before a coherent thought could cross Sasuke's mind, the carriage caught fire from the arrow and Naruto was shoving him out from the door opposite to the one now pressed against the ground.

"Come on, get out!"

Sasuke threw the door open and quickly climbed out. When more arrows went flying in his direction, his immediate reaction was to duck out of the way and run in whatever direction got him out of range. He heard Naruto shout something, but when he stopped to look he was knocked back. Hitting the ground, he looked up at his old bodyguard, Shikamaru. He wore a tortured expression and it was all too clear what was going on. His brother must want him dead. He really should have seen it coming, with the amount of jealousy the man held towards him, but it still shocked and hurt him on a deep level he didn't think possible.

"I'm sorry my prince…" Shikamaru held his blade up but before he could strike, an arrow hit him through the shoulder blade.

"Run Sasuke!"

Naruto.

"Run! I'll come find you later, just RUN!"

He knew that he wouldn't be helping anyone by staying, and not wanting to get stuck by an arrow himself, Sasuke got up and ran off the side of the road. However he didn't expect there to be a steep drop and soon found himself tumbling down. He landed in a muddy puddle, the water splashing along his face, his now wet hair matted to his face. Heart racing with adrenaline, he got up and ran through the forest, his arms out to shove the vines and branches out of the way before they smacked against this face, though some still got in a few hits, marking his white skin with red lines.

His foot got caught on something and he fell face first to the ground. Breathing heavily, he stared at the dirt in front of him with half lidded eyes. Never had his life been in danger like it had been today. Sure, he'd had some assassination attempts, but they were all taken care of before they could even get close to his room.

He wasn't sure how much time passed as he lay there, but he felt too exhausted to move. He was angry, he'd never felt so angry. Itachi had betrayed him. And why? Because he was seen as more beautiful? He hated his brother for that. What was so great about his looks anyway? It wasn't what got him Naruto, he refused to believe that, all it got him was unwanted attention. What was so great about being known for only your looks? Itachi was superficial and he was going to pay for backstabbing him like this. Even if they hadn't left on good terms, he would never have hurt his brother. But now…now it was different. There was no forgiving this.

Sasuke was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard footsteps. They weren't very loud, telling him that the people weren't of any impressive stature. Still, when they stopped he felt the need to look up. And boy was he surprised at what he saw. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in the appearances of people who he thought only existed in fairy tale books. But then, he supposed Naruto and he belonged in one as well. Two princes who fell in love and went about to live happily ever after…but were then separated by a jealous, superficial, bitch of a brother. What kind of fucked up shit was that?

Sasuke blinked at the little people surrounding him. There were seven of them and they were barely even half the size of an average man.

_Who the..._

"What are ye doin' in our woods, ya hoodlum?!" one of the little people asked in a rude tone.

"He's kinda purdy," the dumb one said.

"Oh great, I've stumbled upon the forest of retarded fairies. Please spare me the horror of your sparkly dust," sarcasm dripped off of Sasuke's every word as he moved to stand up from the ground, scrunching his nose at how dirty his clothes had begun. The cuts kind of stung too.

"We are not fairies, you-you-oversized giant!"

"Oh, how your words sting. Let me just stand here and bask in the pain as it feeds my inner masochist, whilst I'm awestruck at the complete originality of your insult." Ah, how easy it was to fall back into snide remarks. It was truly in his nature.

"You-!"

And before the little man could say anything, Sasuke kicked him in the face, sending the poor little guy tumbling backwards and slamming into the others, knocking them all down like a set of bowling pins.

"And strike," Sasuke smirked, sickly pleased with himself.

"That. Hurt." The angry one said as he got back up on wobbly legs. "Why is a man wearing high heels anyway?!"

Blinking, Sasuke looked down at his feet and noticed how the heel had gotten rather muddy. Some of the mud was on the face of the fairy he kicked, as well as an imprint of the bottom of his show and heel. Snorting, he looked back up and gave them a superior look only a spoiled prince could pull off.

"I was practicing my balance, forest fairies."

"We're not fairies! We're dwarves!"

"A fairy with a beard. Great. That's so much better. Shouldn't you be more sparkly?"

"We don't sparkle!"

Sighing, Sasuke began rubbing his temples. This was turning out to be a terrible day.

"Look, I've had a bad day. My psycho brother tried to kill me with apple sauce and then finally lost what little sanity he had left and attacked me while my prince charming was charming me. I'm tired, I'm horny, and these heels are killing me. Now unless you want me to take said heels off and use your heads for target practice, I suggest you find me a bed to lie down on. And a shower."

After several more threats, the small men decided it was probably in their best interest to find the damsel – er, young prince in distress a bed. Those eyes…they looked deadly and they really didn't think it was beneath the man to kill them with his heels. So with their own best interests in mind, they nodded and began leading him back to their little cottage where they lived.

"By the way, our names are—"

"Why are you still talking? Do you think I care what your names are? Besides, no one's going to remember you and no one wants to even hear your story. All they care about is whether I'll be doing the dirty with Naruto or not."

"…Who are 'they'? There's no one here."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "The fan girls. Don't underestimate them." Coal eyes slowly scanned the forest. "They're everywhere." Cue the dramatic music.

The little men shuddered, imagining fan girls inhabiting the trees nearby like termites, watching their every move. They all decided it was best to keep a safe physical distance from the beautiful boy, not wanting to be murdered and torn apart by ravage, hormonal girls.

**~*NS*~**

The place Sasuke was taken to was a mess. Honestly, how anyone could live in such poor conditions was astonishing to him.

"This place is disgusting."

"If ye don't like it, why don't ya clean it for us, princess?" the little old mean one said with a grunt, crossing his arms stubbornly. This act of defiance was soon lost when Sasuke once again kicked him in the face.

"As if I would go anywhere near your dirty underwear. They probably have brown streaks on them." Sasuke gagged a little at the thought. "This place smells like shit. Clean it up and draw me a bath. Now." The look he sent the little men made them get to it. They were glad they did too. Once Sasuke got out of the bath he was in a much better mood. The little men were cleaning things up, dusting things off and even had the windows open so the flying dust didn't make him sneeze. He avoided the dirty spots and was pleasantly surprised they had already cleaned off the table. Little men could do amazing things when threatened. He asked if they had any tomatoes and they brought him some tomatoes juice. Close enough.

As the forest fairies scattered about their house, keeping it clean, Sasuke sat at the table sipping tomato juice. The fairies were a bit disturbed at how much it looked like he was sipping blood.

"If I get dirt or dust on my clothes, I'll be drinking _your_ blood."

That got them motivated to clean out the dust bunnies (even if they were vicious little creatures who had gotten rather comfortable in their little corner under the bed and therefore attacked them when being removed), do the dishes and dust the furniture.

It was a good thing the weather was so nice. His clothes were cleaned and dried fairly quickly. It annoyed him that they were still a bit damp when he put them back on but it was better than walking around buck naked.

As he sat there, sipping his red juice, he looked out the window and let thoughts run wild in his mind. He was more than a little peeved that he wasn't spending the night with Naruto, more specifically, in his bed. His thoughts were led back to Itachi and he was wondering if he should let him off easy. He knew how unstable his brother was but…he wanted revenge. No one did that to Sasuke Uchiha and got away with it. He refused to let himself get soft just because it was his brother.

Upon seeing what little they had to eat in the fridge, Sasuke sent some of the dwarves out to fetch some food. Honestly, he couldn't believe he'd be spending another night there. Where was that stupid prince of his? That dumb blond would be lucky if he still married his ass when he got out of this. Of course, the thought never crossed his mind that Naruto was harmed during the attack. Bringing his hand up to his face, he remembered how hard the boy could punch when he was angry enough. He pitied the fools who were on the receiving end of that fist. And with the progress of their relationship, he was beginning to think that Naruto had held back some.

"Prince…we're done…" a little man said as he collapsed to his knees, panting heavily. They had cleaned their entire property, which was quite the task since it hadn't been cleaned for years, with no exaggeration.

"It's about time. Get the pots out to cook dinner when your little friend gets back," Sasuke ordered.

"Why don't _you_ cook if you're so hungry?" Ah, that same angry little one.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Honestly, the nerve of some little people. He had never cooked a day in his life. He was a prince after all, not a servant.

The death glare he sent them shut 'em up real quick and they scurried to get things ready to cook for their prissy prince.

"I'm back with some food!"

"That was quick. Where did you go?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes suspiciously. No way was he going to eat some deer he just picked up outside. Forget the disgust from watching them prep it, he was too hungry to wait that long.

"I ran into a traveler outside and he sold me a pie!" the small man set a basket on the table and stuck his tongue out, making Sasuke wonder if he had some sort of mental deficiency. Moving the red and white plaid napkin out of the way, Sasuke's mouth watered as it came face to face with a pie that was still so warm it was steaming. It smelled delicious. He had to swallow the excess saliva that gathered around his tongue as he took in the scent.

The little men immediately went about to make him a plate and gave him a fork that they cleaned again just to make sure it shined, thinking nothing less would be accepted. One of them was, of course, forced to take a bite first. They all waited to make sure he wasn't poisoned, that it was safe for eating, before Sasuke let himself indulge in the nice smelling desert.

The pie was so good a little moan left Sasuke's throat as he took a bite. Delicious. Though the insides tasted a little familiar in a weird or bad way, but it was still so good he ignored it in favor of his rumbling stomach. It wasn't much of a dinner, but oh well. Pies were the only sweets Sasuke could actually stand. Cakes, brownies, cookies, and hard candy he hated, even sweet dumplings were gross to him.

After a few bites, Sasuke began feeling dizzy. It was a feeling that he was familiar with and by the time he realized why, he had hit the ground, falling on his back and once again fainting like a drama queen.

It was an apple pie, and he was allergic to apples.

The little men stared at the pie in wonder. Their little prince mumbled something about apples and allergies and after a full hour of observing his twitching, they had figured it out. Their prince had allergies to apples. Well, if they had known that they would have fed him apples a lot sooner.

"He was growin' on me," one of them said, a little sad. It surprised the others and they looked at him as if he were a traitor.

"How can ye say that? He kicked me in da face!"

"That's cause ye ain't got no manners."

"Humph, we should throw 'em in a ditch and leave 'em there."

They all waited there in silence, contemplating that.

Then one of them spoke the fear that was in all of their minds.

"But…what if he were to wake up?"

"He knows where we live…"

They all cowered in fear.

"We could kill 'im?"

They all looked at him in horror. They were dwarves, not murderers.

"What? It was just a suggestion…"

"He kept lookin' outside when he was 'ere. Maybe someone's a lookin' for 'em?"

They all looked at each other and mumbled agreements on that. Their prissy prince _had_ looked rather distant when he wasn't ordering them around. And his eyes were fixated on that window.

After that they dragged the prince up the stairs and into the bedroom, not caring if the steps gave him a few bumps…until they reached the tops and realized consequences would follow. After dumping their prince on the bed, they looked over his head. The bumps weren't _too_ noticeable.

They went about getting news out that they had a prince there. It was strange how his allergies just put him into some sort of coma. They had never heard of such a case but then, their prince was anything but ordinary. On nights when their backs hurt from sleeping on the floor, in cabinets and drawers, they would all have a good chuckle over how the prince fainted, and how they should call him princess instead.

It took a few days, but news eventually reached the right person and someone came to their home. This person wasn't as bad as the prince, but he wasn't much better either. He didn't knock on the door, he _kicked it down_! The dwarves looked at the broken pieces of wood with tears in their eyes, thinking of how they'd be the ones fixing that.

The tall blond man that destroyed their property then grabbed the stupid looking one by his collar. Soon the dwarf whose tongue was always sticking out, his chin sticky with saliva, was nose to nose with the man, his feet dangling. The others huddled together at the man's feet and looked at their friend with their eyes wide, mouth open, and little hands clasped together – even the little mean one.

"Where is he?!" the man demanded, shaking the dumb one violently.

"Durr, who you talk'n 'bout?"

The blonde's eye twitched as he realized that this little man was so mentally deficient there was no way he'd get answers from him. Without another word, he dropped him to the floor and narrowed his eyes on the other six. They seemed to shrink more from the stare. This one was just as scary as their own prissy prince.

"D-do ye mean ta princess?" one of them asked before getting smacked on the head.

"He means the prince!"

"Yeah, ta prince."

"You have Sasuke?"

"Yes!" they all screamed in union. Oh lord, finally! They were going to be rid of that nasty man forever! "He ate apple pie an' fainted!" they quickly added.

"Apple pie?" Naruto's eyes widened. "You idiots! Why would you give him that?!" Naruto quickly ran to their fridge and dug through it. They all gathered behind him, wondering what he could possibly need in there. Then he pulled out…

A drink?

He had grabbed the tomato juice Sasuke was always sipping. Maybe princes just liked their juice?

"You know we got some beer."

Naruto looked at them as if they were the stupidest beings on the earth. He didn't even deem that worthy of an answer and instead went to tend to more important matters.

Princes were assholes, the dwarves decided, even the dashing, charming ones.

The blond then raced up the stairs and into the room, the dwarves stumbling after him, pushing each other out of the way to see what he could possibly need with the juice. They then watched in awe as the blond cradled their prissy prince's head and gently soaked his lips with the red juice, before letting some slip past the cracked lips. A pink tongue slowly came out to lick, small kitten licks. The blond smiled softly as those eyes, which had been closed for a few days now, opened, just a bit.

"Hey babe," the blond said so softly the dwarves saw a new side to princes, the side everyone thought was a myth, the romantic side.

Sasuke smiled back…for a second, then, feeling his strength returned, he punched his own prince in the face.

"You complete and utter idiot, what took you so long?" he glared and the dwarves were once again reminded that their prince was anything but ordinary. Strangely though, he was starting to grow on them…in a very disturbing way. Idly, they wondered if they were becoming masochists. For, surely, only a masochist could be fond of such a man.

"Well sorry, but I was sort of _fighting for my life_ back there for awhile!" the idiot prince shouted, cupping his red cheek.

Sasuke gracefully swung his legs to the side and stood, a bit wobbly. He held up a hand when everyone rushed to help steady him.

"So…who are these little guys anyway?"

Eager to finally introduce themselves, they said, "Our names are-"

"Did you not hear me the first time? No one cares what your names are. The only thing you need to know is that they are my minions now, my seven little minions. I'm taking them back to the castle with us."

The little guys almost cried.

**~*NS*~**

The Fire Country threw a party in welcoming of the two princes, which doubled as a wedding party. Naruto really didn't want to waste any time. He was a man of strict morals and so he was going to wait to really be with Sasuke until their wedding night. Therefore, they had to be married as quickly as possible.

Everyone was invited, both from the Fire Country and its allies. Sasuke smirked when Itachi was put on the guest list. It was just too perfect. He was practically purring all through the ceremony. Naruto, the beloved idiot, thought it was because of him. All too glad, Sasuke let the blond go through the day with this delusion. It was, after all, partly because of him. He was happy to be in his lover's arms, finally, but also happy to be getting his revenge.

While it was partly a welcome home party, it had taken a few days to plan. So he got his minions to help him devise the perfect weapon against Itachi, something fitting of both his feelings toward his brother and the party.

"Do you ever want to learn of our names?" one of them had asked as they worked harder than ever.

"No. I gave you names. You're Little Minion One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and Seven. Why do you think I gave you pointy hates with numbers on them? And they were custom made too. You should be very grateful to me. And I saved you from living in the forest. Now you can bathe regularly with warm water and eat decent food. Honestly, what I do for you…" Sasuke sighed, shaking his head as if talking to children. Really, they had the IQ of one. "Now come, little minions, we have work to do."

And so Little Minion One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and Seven had followed their bossy, bitch of a prince to work with no further complaining.

The party had gone smoothly. Sasuke saw his brother in the crowd and smiled almost scarily wide as he repeated his vows. Even when Naruto kissed him, the corners of his mouth were tilted up. Of course, to everyone else, a man dressed in a traditional white robe didn't look so out of place. People would just assume he was happy about the wedding, which he was, but he had other things in mind as well.

When it was time to dance, he shared his first with Naruto, but kept his eyes on the servants leading his brother away. Sasuke had given them specific orders. After the first dance was over and others began joining in, Sasuke asked Naruto if he would get him something to drink. His throat was parched. Once he was out of sight, Sasuke wandered off to find Itachi. When he found him away from the crowd, near the back, he was holding the pair of shoes and eyeing them suspiciously.

"These shoes…"

"Yes. Those shoes. You are to wear them," Sasuke smirked. "You'd do well not to refuse a gift from the king when in his country."

Itachi grit his teeth. He was caught.

"Well played…little brother. You're just so fucking perfect aren't you? Beauty and brains…"

Sasuke grinned wider. "You know what Itachi? Yes. Yes I am. I'm more perfect than you. Unlike you, I'm confident, I believe in myself, and I _don't try to kill family members unprovoked_," Sasuke hissed the last part, unforgiving. "But you are, and you did. So now, this is my revenge." Sasuke's sick grin came back. "Now, please, enjoy your dance. It'll be your last one." With that said, Sasuke walked back to Naruto, who was waiting for him in the spot he'd left him. Taking the drink when he came, he sipped it while glancing back at his brother, who looked to be hissing in pain as the servants helped him force the shoes on.

Good.

"I'm done drinking, let's dance," Sasuke said as he placed the glass on a wandering servants tray. Servants were amazing things; they were always in the right place at the right time. He then took Naruto's hand and led him back into the crowd of dancers. Meanwhile, Itachi was being whisked away into the crowd himself by some tall burly man Sasuke had paid to dance with him for the night. The man kept a tight hold around Itachi, making it so his brother wasn't able to move his arms freely.

_Go on brother…_

Itachi was hissing and wincing, looking around to cry, as he was swung around, his feet on the floor. Sasuke could see the crimson liquid oozing out of the shoes already. He had made sure to make this as slow and painful as possible. He wondered how torn and blistered his feet were. There was broken glass that was still scorching hot blanketed in the shoes, cutting at his feet while burning the skin.

Sasuke laid his head on Naruto's shoulder with a satisfied smirk.

_Dance until you die. _

When the party was over Sasuke and Naruto went up to their room to be together. Naruto whispered, "I love you, Purple Murple," and was shoved back on the bed. Late in the night, Sasuke rolled out of bed with his hair a mess, and walked to the vanity mirror in the room. The moon gave him enough light for him to see his reflection, marked and taken by Naruto but still his. Slowly, he smirked and let his own insanity show.

_Mirror, mirror on the wall…_

I'm_ the fairest one of all._


End file.
